Sometimes serious

It is only months later that i realise How long i have spent without hate for myself for long and how it felt to forget that. I now see a cold oily skin sallow red eyes hair i don't even like automatisms that i walk in and out of all day and all night a stodgy body and a walking style belonging to a sailor. i had learnt earlier when things looked like this that the pleasant fuzzy optimism of childhood was a false lie. I know. How it feels to loathe where i have brought things to be how naive and enchanted i'd have had to be to have been saying and minting positive feelings and optimism about a decidedly bleak future that stares down when i look at sparse basic abilities coupled with a lack of hard work. How intoxicated i'd have had to be to convince myself of deserving pleasures that fell upon me by a sheer combination of luck, coincidence and proximity. There was nothing i had done to deserve fragrance. speed. music. Here they st