masochistic epistemology

I tried to hurt myself using you

weaponizing you

turning your care ballistic

and my softness into weak armor

i tried to use the hollows of your lower back as landmines

your words as small sharp blades that fit into old razors and broke in twos

your lips as quagmire meant for drowning

i used your attraction as fission

a devastating proxy for the

surplus destructive energy in

my own mind

when your love was not enough

i used your presence as war horns

alerting formations of my hearts cavalry

into attacking your defenseless desire

your scattered battalions that were only looking for me

when I waged this war,

i even used your indifference to hurt me

a blunt injury sustained under my very living skin

a slow passage of bloodclots into a series of hurtful colors

why?

why do we cut ourselves?

लाल वस्तू

महाराजबागेतल्या गुंजेच्या झाडाखाली आईबरोबर बसून घालवलेल्या संध्याकाळी गुंजेचा पाला खाताना गुंजा वेचून, गोळा करून, घरी आणून सजवताना तशाच लाल गुंजांसारखे मखमली किडे पाळताना, त्यांना पावसाळ्यात पकडताना त्यांचा पाला गोळा करताना त्यांना लाजून गुर्फटताना बघताना, आईला दाखवताना मला थोडेच माहिति होते की हे अनुभव, आणि ह्या आठवणी कधी अशृ होतील आणि लाल शर्ट घालून त्या पावसाळ्याची आज तहान भागवावी लागेल

angry

my grandmother used to spot in us a hereditary anger the chest learning to well up blood learning to leap and breath learning to crawl foreheads burning with heat of little children the attempt of anger to become disgusting raging energy that will occupy every living stream. nobody wants to hold an angry person rage drunk, getting bigger and bigger until other people are invisible like ants and you can dissolve them in your hot blood and things around you break and shatter at this point she would hold. a violent hand shaking her away Ya I remember my grandmother used to spot it in us as children already And hold our hand "until you get over your rage I will not let go of your hand" hold VERY TIGHTLY "I will not leave your hand until you learn how you should calm down" i would fail despite that gesture to understand what was happening and i could not receive love at that time because i have so much anger But the act she is doing is still that of HOLDING

To start to wither

I don't know how my body reacts to my own mind. What was once an action and a cause is now a stream of events that looks like a habit. What was once an action and a cause no longer stand today as individuals that are reasoned by their existence and are enough. This is the time when things change for the worse And you see not only your skin harden some bones stick out some toes dry faster some nails grow slower some energy is lost, but the drying of your errors your fears sticking out innocent choices like mistakes form like inadvertent habits. This is where your neutrality is banished all things that are past are now personality simple trains of thought and seasons rush at the speed of a blur. This is where it is too hard to see whether your errors are from complicating or simplifying things from keeping them light in your eyes or being too serious from compromising too much or being too stuck up from refusing to change or forgetting yourself....

Sometimes serious

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