masochistic epistemology

I tried to hurt myself using you

weaponizing you

turning your care ballistic

and my softness into weak armor

i tried to use the hollows of your lower back as landmines

your words as small sharp blades that fit into old razors and broke in twos

your lips as quagmire meant for drowning

i used your attraction as fission

a devastating proxy for the

surplus destructive energy in

my own mind

when your love was not enough

i used your presence as war horns

alerting formations of my hearts cavalry

into attacking your defenseless desire

your scattered battalions that were only looking for me

when I waged this war,

i even used your indifference to hurt me

a blunt injury sustained under my very living skin

a slow passage of bloodclots into a series of hurtful colors

why?

why do we cut ourselves?

angry

my grandmother used to spot in us a hereditary anger the chest learning to well up blood learning to leap and breath learning to crawl foreheads burning with heat of little children the attempt of anger to become disgusting raging energy that will occupy every living stream. nobody wants to hold an angry person rage drunk, getting bigger and bigger until other people are invisible like ants and you can dissolve them in your hot blood and things around you break and shatter at this point she would hold. a violent hand shaking her away Ya I remember my grandmother used to spot it in us as children already And hold our hand "until you get over your rage I will not let go of your hand" hold VERY TIGHTLY "I will not leave your hand until you learn how you should calm down" i would fail despite that gesture to understand what was happening and i could not receive love at that time because i have so much anger But the act she is doing is still that of HOLDING

लाल वस्तू

महाराजबागेतल्या गुंजेच्या झाडाखाली आईबरोबर बसून घालवलेल्या संध्याकाळी गुंजेचा पाला खाताना गुंजा वेचून, गोळा करून, घरी आणून सजवताना तशाच लाल गुंजांसारखे मखमली किडे पाळताना, त्यांना पावसाळ्यात पकडताना त्यांचा पाला गोळा करताना त्यांना लाजून गुर्फटताना बघताना, आईला दाखवताना मला थोडेच माहिति होते की हे अनुभव, आणि ह्या आठवणी कधी अशृ होतील आणि लाल शर्ट घालून त्या पावसाळ्याची आज तहान भागवावी लागेल

transitive

i used to think the transitivity of verbs was like romance i (a subject) take you, or you take me (as an object) defined already through transitivity. i take you (there) or i take (missing) (missing) or i play (the piano) then i thought transitivity of verbs was like valence missing electrons in individual shells, filled up by an incomprehensible spdf rhyme-scheme then i thought transitivity of verbs was illusory i present (you) with (thing) i present (you) to (infinity) i shower (you) with (love) i pointed (it) at (you) and that i could say i sleep you to dreams or otherwhere illusory. or the sevan kaarak classes i could fit any construction in a new logic i play (you) to (infinity) through (trees) in order (to sleep). we can just use language however we please really and things that aren't understood now can still feel like something. a new action-class is always just around the next turn from use

Sometimes serious

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